Sunday, 23 June 2013

Let's talk about...being single

Oh yes, it's one of those posts.

I've been single for about two years now and, shockingly, I actually really enoy being single. I don't know where this idea came from that any lady that isn't already taken is desperate for a boyfriend because quite frankly, for the past year and a half the idea of having a boyfriend had absolutely terrified me.

But the point is, back when things ended between me and my last ex, amongst the cheating and the lying and the lack of trust and communication and space (long list...), ultimately, I was the one who wanted to be single. Everything was a bit up in the air for about six months where I'd change my mind, fearful of having to give up on someone I'd been with for two years, or where he'd decide he'd want to give things another go..long story short, it was enough complication to almost put me off men for life. But the bottom line was, even though I loved him and was fairly sort of happy, I wanted to be single.

I'd never felt like that before in my life. I'd never been in a relationship where I felt so confused ; I loved him and wanted to be with him, but at the same time the idea of being single and going on dates tempted me. There was no excitement anymore and I wanted to be single so I could experience flirting and first date butterflies again and all things like that. 

Two years on, the reality is only somewhat different, but I'm beyond confident that I made the right choice. Within the first year of singledom, I doubted myself. I headed back to Luton wide eyed and eager, expecting to be going on dates every week and flirting with the hottest guys around. I was so wrong. Bar a dodgy date spent at the local fair and 'accidently' ending parked up at a local dogging spot, dating just...didn't happen. 

Despite it being the very reason I was single, my heart just wasn't in it. And after 6/8 months of complication after breaking up, can you really blame me? It was tough and I found myself going back on my decision many, many times. But then slowly, things started to get better. I started to understand the other benefits of being single. Benefits like having a huge queen size bed to myself. Not having to share my pringles. Not having to give complimentary blow jobs when sex was out of the question during *that* time of the month. Not being lied to. Not being cheated on. And the list goes on.

And as I began to move on, accepting what had gone wrong in the relationship and where I'd been at fault, I began to feel more ready again. And so my life isn't filled with going on dates every single week (dating really isn't that big in the UK, is it), I've still fulfilled my need of having fun and enjoying singledom. I've dabbled in seeing people (I use that term very loosely, let's just say late last year I ended up bagging myself a toyboy and the less said about that the better). I've met some great guys who have gone on to become great friends. I've fallen for people and I've flirted lots. And lots. And I find myself going back to the same people over and over again for no reason. And it's made me feel wanted and has given me butterflies and just generally given me exactly everything I wanted since departing with 'the ex'. And most importantly, among these random drunken snogs and varied hook ups, somewhere along the way, I've found myself ready for a boyfriend again.

Although I don't necessarily want a boyfriend, the idea doesn't terrify me anymore. The idea isn't all that bad, finding someone that could give me butterflies in a long term sense and also make me bacon butties in bed in the morning. And although the guy would have to be pretty damn special to make me give up my single life (and the 2+ tubes of pringles I seem to scoff to myself weekly), it's nice to know that I've gotten to that point. I have no idea how it happened exactly and I couldn't pinpoint to you when it happened. Perhaps it was when I stopped worrying about things. Perhaps it was when I started to genuinely really like someone again for the first time in about two years.

But ultimately? It took time. And if I have one bit of advice to take from this post to give to you, it's that you should make sure to enjoy that time. So many people jump from relationship to relationship and likewise, so many people waste far too many months crying over their ex and wondering what went wrong. By all means, have a 'mourning' phase. Cry, dye your hair and work out what went wrong. But don't spend longer than necessary worrying about the past, because soon enough you will meet someone else. But you're still young, so make sure you get your fun in too. Even if you're not 100% over your ex, go out on dates and have fun still because it'll be a great distraction. Once you stop worrying about what went wrong, the rest will come naturally.

Wednesday, 13 March 2013

The ghosts of french chickens

I was filming a video for my main blog today and as I uploaded it, I noticed there were loads of unnecessary files stored in iMovie, so I started sorting them out and deleting old ones I didn't need. I came across an old file which I'd completely forgotten existed. It was a video me and my first boyfriend made back in 2008 and at the time I'd watch it all the time, it was that funny, but over the years I'd just forgotten about it. So discovering this hidden gem was so fun - it was basically just us messing around pretending to film a horror movie but it was so funny that I had tears of laughter streaming down my face. My tummy still hurts now.

As I watched it, it was so easy to see how much we loved each other and how comfortable we were around each other. Video me (and present me!) didn't stop laughing ONCE, and I had a huge smile on my face the whole time. We put on voices, made funny faces and just generally did really childish stuff that we seemed to find hilarious. At one point I was just like 'right let's just make funny noises for the camera!'

Don't get me wrong, I don't miss him in anyway like that. But I've always said that for a first boyfriend - he was pretty much ideal. We got together with no complications, it was all very innocent and new for me. He didn't cheat or lie and for my first serious relationship, that was the perfect experience. Had my first relationship included cheating or lying, I'm pretty sure the idea of being in another relationship again would scare me even more than it does now.

I then started thinking about how much we lose sight of things that are important to us as we grow up and how quickly we grow up and stop acting like children. When I was younger, I swore I'd never get into a relationship with someone who I couldn't laugh with. Now I'm not saying with my last boyfriend I didn't have this - I can still remember the hilarious pen/flour/water/food fights we had when we first met - but it was so shocking to me to see just how comfortable I was in this video in a way that I wasn't when I was with my last boyfriend. I would never have imagined of pulling the various funny faces I did in fear that I'd look ugly or turn him off, and although I loved him a lot, I never realized at the time that we didn't have as much fun together as we should have done.

Looking back at the video, it just made me smile at the innocence of it all and remind me that laughter and being able to be comfortable around the person you love is so, SO important in a relationship. So much of the time we let the every day pressures of life effect our relationships and at the end of the day that completely defies the point of a relationship. A relationship should be fun and should make you happy.

I think this has definitely reminded me that in my next relationship I should remember the important values and not just forget about them because I like someone. If anyone can make me laugh that hard then I know I'm onto a winner. I'd pick laughter over good looks any day.

French chickens making funny faces