Let's talk about...being single

Oh yes, it's one of those posts.

I've been single for about two years now and, shockingly, I actually really enoy being single. I don't know where this idea came from that any lady that isn't already taken is desperate for a boyfriend because quite frankly, for the past year and a half the idea of having a boyfriend had absolutely terrified me.

But the point is, back when things ended between me and my last ex, amongst the cheating and the lying and the lack of trust and communication and space (long list...), ultimately, I was the one who wanted to be single. Everything was a bit up in the air for about six months where I'd change my mind, fearful of having to give up on someone I'd been with for two years, or where he'd decide he'd want to give things another go..long story short, it was enough complication to almost put me off men for life. But the bottom line was, even though I loved him and was fairly sort of happy, I wanted to be single.

I'd never felt like that before in my life. I'd never been in a relationship where I felt so confused ; I loved him and wanted to be with him, but at the same time the idea of being single and going on dates tempted me. There was no excitement anymore and I wanted to be single so I could experience flirting and first date butterflies again and all things like that. 

Two years on, the reality is only somewhat different, but I'm beyond confident that I made the right choice. Within the first year of singledom, I doubted myself. I headed back to Luton wide eyed and eager, expecting to be going on dates every week and flirting with the hottest guys around. I was so wrong. Bar a dodgy date spent at the local fair and 'accidently' ending parked up at a local dogging spot, dating just...didn't happen. 

Despite it being the very reason I was single, my heart just wasn't in it. And after 6/8 months of complication after breaking up, can you really blame me? It was tough and I found myself going back on my decision many, many times. But then slowly, things started to get better. I started to understand the other benefits of being single. Benefits like having a huge queen size bed to myself. Not having to share my pringles. Not having to give complimentary blow jobs when sex was out of the question during *that* time of the month. Not being lied to. Not being cheated on. And the list goes on.

And as I began to move on, accepting what had gone wrong in the relationship and where I'd been at fault, I began to feel more ready again. And so my life isn't filled with going on dates every single week (dating really isn't that big in the UK, is it), I've still fulfilled my need of having fun and enjoying singledom. I've dabbled in seeing people (I use that term very loosely, let's just say late last year I ended up bagging myself a toyboy and the less said about that the better). I've met some great guys who have gone on to become great friends. I've fallen for people and I've flirted lots. And lots. And I find myself going back to the same people over and over again for no reason. And it's made me feel wanted and has given me butterflies and just generally given me exactly everything I wanted since departing with 'the ex'. And most importantly, among these random drunken snogs and varied hook ups, somewhere along the way, I've found myself ready for a boyfriend again.

Although I don't necessarily want a boyfriend, the idea doesn't terrify me anymore. The idea isn't all that bad, finding someone that could give me butterflies in a long term sense and also make me bacon butties in bed in the morning. And although the guy would have to be pretty damn special to make me give up my single life (and the 2+ tubes of pringles I seem to scoff to myself weekly), it's nice to know that I've gotten to that point. I have no idea how it happened exactly and I couldn't pinpoint to you when it happened. Perhaps it was when I stopped worrying about things. Perhaps it was when I started to genuinely really like someone again for the first time in about two years.

But ultimately? It took time. And if I have one bit of advice to take from this post to give to you, it's that you should make sure to enjoy that time. So many people jump from relationship to relationship and likewise, so many people waste far too many months crying over their ex and wondering what went wrong. By all means, have a 'mourning' phase. Cry, dye your hair and work out what went wrong. But don't spend longer than necessary worrying about the past, because soon enough you will meet someone else. But you're still young, so make sure you get your fun in too. Even if you're not 100% over your ex, go out on dates and have fun still because it'll be a great distraction. Once you stop worrying about what went wrong, the rest will come naturally.

The ghosts of french chickens

I was filming a video for my main blog today and as I uploaded it, I noticed there were loads of unnecessary files stored in iMovie, so I started sorting them out and deleting old ones I didn't need. I came across an old file which I'd completely forgotten existed. It was a video me and my first boyfriend made back in 2008 and at the time I'd watch it all the time, it was that funny, but over the years I'd just forgotten about it. So discovering this hidden gem was so fun - it was basically just us messing around pretending to film a horror movie but it was so funny that I had tears of laughter streaming down my face. My tummy still hurts now.

As I watched it, it was so easy to see how much we loved each other and how comfortable we were around each other. Video me (and present me!) didn't stop laughing ONCE, and I had a huge smile on my face the whole time. We put on voices, made funny faces and just generally did really childish stuff that we seemed to find hilarious. At one point I was just like 'right let's just make funny noises for the camera!'

Don't get me wrong, I don't miss him in anyway like that. But I've always said that for a first boyfriend - he was pretty much ideal. We got together with no complications, it was all very innocent and new for me. He didn't cheat or lie and for my first serious relationship, that was the perfect experience. Had my first relationship included cheating or lying, I'm pretty sure the idea of being in another relationship again would scare me even more than it does now.

I then started thinking about how much we lose sight of things that are important to us as we grow up and how quickly we grow up and stop acting like children. When I was younger, I swore I'd never get into a relationship with someone who I couldn't laugh with. Now I'm not saying with my last boyfriend I didn't have this - I can still remember the hilarious pen/flour/water/food fights we had when we first met - but it was so shocking to me to see just how comfortable I was in this video in a way that I wasn't when I was with my last boyfriend. I would never have imagined of pulling the various funny faces I did in fear that I'd look ugly or turn him off, and although I loved him a lot, I never realized at the time that we didn't have as much fun together as we should have done.

Looking back at the video, it just made me smile at the innocence of it all and remind me that laughter and being able to be comfortable around the person you love is so, SO important in a relationship. So much of the time we let the every day pressures of life effect our relationships and at the end of the day that completely defies the point of a relationship. A relationship should be fun and should make you happy.

I think this has definitely reminded me that in my next relationship I should remember the important values and not just forget about them because I like someone. If anyone can make me laugh that hard then I know I'm onto a winner. I'd pick laughter over good looks any day.

French chickens making funny faces

Alternative guys

Ever since I discovered rock music as a teenager, I knew my taste in men would never be the same. As I found myself falling in love with the chords and lyrics of alternative music - most of which was the soundtrack to my teen summers - I also found myself falling in love with the vocalists and band members that created the music. I distinctively remember an instant attraction to Joel Madden of Good Charlotte, Jaret Reddick from Bowling For Soup and of course, the ever legendary Tom Delonge that first summer where their albums were on repeat.

I can't quite explain why alternative guys - or musicians - are so sexy to me. They just are, and I honestly struggle to get my head around the idea that some women might not agree with me, that ladies around the world would rather drool over David Beckham than Jared Leto.

First of all, musicians and 'altnerative' guys (also known as emo lads, rocker guys, etc) are not the same - although pretty much all rock stars are alternative anyway. When I say I'm obsessed attracted to these type of guys, I don't necessary mean just rock stars (although if you're a rock star it helps big time).

Musicians/rock stars are sexy because of so many different reasons - the biggest of which being passion. The passion men have for music is such a turn on, especially musicians that can get all deep and convey these emotions and feelings into a song. There's just something about the way a guy writes or performs a song - the passion he has put into it, the fact that you know it's come straight from his heart and his own experiences, the way he sings the song or so expertly strums that guitar. There really is nothing sexier than a musician.

Then there's the attitude that these men have, whether they are aware of their sexiness or not. It's about the way they adapt this persona ; on stage or otherwise. The fact that they have millions of girls after them or the fact that they know the power they have over these girls.

And of course there's *that* look they have. Dark floppy emo hair that usually party obscures their piercing eyes. The piercings of course, most especially lip piercings. The stubble. The tattoos that cover their body. The skinny fit jeans, the converse, the leather jackets - just pure hotness. To me there is NOTHING sexier. The alternative look is such a turn on and it's so much hotter than your average joe guy.

(Can I just add, I've got a board on pinterest called 'Ridiculously sexy men who's babies I want and who make my ovaries explode' - filled to the brim with half naked photos of rock stars and emo lads. I've got the page open - for research purposes for this article of course! - and my Mum has just walked in and caught me having a perv! Whoops!)

There's the argument that these guys will regret their piercings and tattoo's when they're older. Really? I don't agree. And when they have to take another role that won't necessary suit their alternative look, such as wearing a suit to a wedding or job interview, or becoming a father, you won't believe it but it is SO much hotter.

Kellin Quinn with his baby girl

I rest my case. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with a 'non alternative' guy, but for me, rockstars, emo guys or just those who have something a quirky about them are just that bit sexier. And somehow I just know that one day I'll end up with my own rockstar ;)

Liebster Award

I won an award! I'm so chuffed, I didn't even know anyone read this blog to be fair. I received it from the lovely Librarian Girl! I won't be tagging anyone/passing this award along because I've received this award on my main blog and have already tagged people a million times before (so would only end up tagging the same people again) but I'm still rather pleased!

The Liebster Award is given to upcoming bloggers who have fewer than 200 followers. Liebster is a German word that means sweetest, nicest, kindest, dearest, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing and welcome. It's a fun way to say welcome to the blogging community.

Here are the rules for receiving the award:

1. Each person must post 11 things about themselves.

2. Answer the questions the tagger has set for you and create 11 new questions for the people you have tagged

2. Choose 11 people and link them in your post

4. Go to their page and tell them about the award (social networks accepted)

5. If you have not done so yet, follow the tagger and visit at least three nominees

6. Remember, no tag backs

11 Things About Myself:

1. One of my favourite childhood films is Willow, and I'm going to watch it after I've posted this!

2. I have a pet tamagotchi on my phone called Bob, however I tried to kill him off as he was the third pet I'd got that had evolved into an Octopus (the other two, my only pets, are called Roger and Sandy). I felt too bad though, so I'm sticking with him.

3. I have my tragus pierced and it is my favourite piercing (although I miss my lip piercing!)

4. I am on pretty much every social media site going (hey, I'm a journalist, it needs to be done)

5. I used to love music like A1, Lou Bega and Busted. I still have Busted on my iPod...

6. I really want a tattoo but I'm too scared to get one.

7. I have a skull in my room (it's paper mache, don't worry!) called Roger. He was named after Roger from American Dad as he has big eyes.

8. My favourite colour is Red.

9. I never want a relationship again unless the person is 'the one' and the one who I'm going to marry.

10. I'm so bored with my hair.

11. I've spent far too much money lately!

Questions from Librarian Girl

1. What was your childhood nickname, if any?

I had a few - Lou, Loopy Lou or Louish-Ann!

2. What is your favourite colour?

Red.

3. What inspired you to start a blog?

The chance to inspire others.

4. Do you have a favourite film? What is it?

I have loads so I couldn't pick just one, but my last favourite film of all time that I watched was Back To The Future.

5. Have you ever done anything scary, such as skydiving?

Does snowboarding count? I'd love to try skydiving or go bungee jumping or something one day

6. What's your favourite city?

London, without a doubt.

7. Something you are proud of.

Graduating from university (not only that but one that was a five hour drive away from home!) with a degree in Magazine Journalism.

8. What are your vices?

Falling far too quickly for far too many bad boys.

9. Heels or flats?

It depends on the situation, but heels for a night out definitely. I just can't feel sexy without them.

10. Can you play a musical instrument?

I can play two songs on guitar - Daniel Beddingfield - Gotta Get Thru This and Joshua Radin - Winter (which is supposed to be really tough to play so I'm pleased about that!)

11. What's your favourite sandwich?

Ham & Tomato!

As I said, it would be pointless for me to tag 11 people because I don't actually follow any blogs with less than 200 followers that I haven't already tagged in a previous award! However, if you click here, you'll be directed to my main blogs 'Blog Awards' page, where you can click on each post about award's I've won, and where I've therefore tagged other blogs - phew that was a mouthful! 

Finally, just as I haven't blogged recently - what have I been up to lately? Well, I've been working my bum off, going out on far too many nights out and partaking in short but sweet (and passionate!) 'flings?' which we're amazingly fun whilst they lasted :)

Nostalgia

This time last year I was graduating with a degree in Magazine Journalism at the University of Sunderland! At the time, I couldn't believe how quickly three years went by - in fact I still can't - and I can't believe I graduated a year ago now.

One of my best friends Jo only just graduated this week too as despite going to uni together, she spent a year studying in France. I'm feeling very nostalgic as it's dawned on me how long it's been since I've been a student.

I still remember leaving home for university like it was only yesterday - the long drive, the nervous unpacking, the first night out with my flat mates! University gave me so many amazing memories that I'll treasure forever, as well as giving me some amazing friends. I also learnt so much about myself in those three years.

I also remember the week I graduated so vividly. To this day, I still cannot grasp how much of my life changed in a matter of days. 

When I graduated, I had no idea where I'd be in a years time. But am I happy? I'm ecstatic. I've got a job relating to my degree and I'm still as close as ever to the girls I met at uni. I don't have my own place, but in all honesty I love being at home so much especially after spending three years away! 

Going to university was one of the best decisions of my life and sometimes I really would do anything to just pack up a bag, hop on a coach and spend a week there just for memories. I miss the town, the people, the food, the memories - everything. There's so much I didn't get to do, but so much I still want to do. I've promised myself that I'll hurry up and pass my test, get a car and visit again soon.

Of course, it won't be the same. It wasn't when I visited in February. Things will never be the same. But that doesn't mean me and my friends can't visit again for memories and to create new memories, doing all the things we said we would. We still need to have our big Newcastle night out and visit Amsterdam.

And when I visited in February, there are only two things I regret not doing. The first would be not getting a Chillino's pizza (oh my god my mouth is watering at the thought!). The second would be not visiting South Shields beach again.

South Shields beach, on my first ever visit, taken by me

To this day, South Shields beach is still one of my favourite places in the whole world. I never grew tired of living near the coast and spent almost every Sunday evening at this beautiful beach. This beach was my favourite place to be in Sunderland and is home to so many memories. It was one of the few things that still gave me good memories during my last year of university when everything else was going to the shit (for lack of a better word!).

Sunderland was my home for three years and I practically became an adult in that little town. It wasn't special - it wasn't home to the top university of the country or even the best nightlife but it was just right for me. I can't wait to go back.

Feeling overwhelmed

I'm feeling so overwhelmed lately. I know I'm having one of those weeks, but I can't shake this feeling that I'm trying and not getting anywhere. It honestly baffles me how people find the time, money, effort and inspiration to do things. There's so much I want to do with my life but getting to that point is near impossible.

Setting up the magazine is on the back burner at the moment, I'm afraid. Although I'm constantly thinking of new ideas, knowing what to do with them is a different matter. I'll be having some meetings in September to see about getting a business loan, but until then, what can I do other than research? And I said I wouldn't tell anyone about my idea to avoid pressure but I did to get some interest and contributors. Although they understand, I can't help but feel like I'm letting them down when I tell them about my big plans and then they here nothing from me in weeks. I just don't know where to start, I can't make any progress on content at the moment.

I guess I am slightly worried about failing. Not because I'm not good enough. I know for a fine fact that my writing is top notch and I have some really big challenging ideas, it's just getting the word out. Promotion has never been my strong point and the majority of hits for my blog for example are returning loyal readers who genuinely enjoy my writing. But finding new people, people to read my blog and buy the magazine? That's the tough bit.

The other main thing is travel. I still want to take a year out, but how will that fit in with the magazine? I can't go ahead with it all and decide later on that I'm going to take some time off, then just leave it for a year.

And travel. That's the thing! How can people afford to do it? It's like one thing at a time for me - concentrate on work for money instead of a career and somehow save to go traveling, or concentrate on putting my writing first.

There's just so much to do. There's not enough time in the day. And then I find a week or two have passed and before I know it it's been a month and I've not gotten particularly further with anything. I think if I'd just done a little bit each day, I'd be considerably further by now. But it just doesn't work like that.

Life's much too short. I need to hurry up and do things before I turn around and realize years have passed and I haven't yet done what I want to.

When things get tough, just remember...

This feels familiar,

I’ve been here before.

A different face walking

through the same door.

Thought it’d get easy

but it just hurts

more, every time.

The way I see it,

nothing ever ends.

Like a circle,

something new begins.

And now I turn my back

into the wind and carry on.

I know you’re gone.

I had to walk away.

Now it’s broken,

It’s the price I pay.

But it was worth it,

now I can say you’re name,

without falling apart (like the circles)

We always end up at the start.

I know it’s scary,

what you can’t define.

But just a temporary

place and time.

We’re pushing forward

and we can’t rewind.

But that’s alright,

It’s how we survive.

I had to walk away.

Now it's broken,

It’s the price I pay.

But it was worth it,

now I can say you’re name,

without falling apart (like the circles)

We always end up at the start.

And I know, I know,

feels like it’s always changing.

I know, I know, it’s 

like just rearranging.

Build it up,

tear it down,

all the walls and hurdles.

We’re running in circles!

I had to walk away.

Now it's broken,

It’s the price I pay.

But it was worth it,

now I can say you’re name,

without falling apart 

We always end up at the start.

(For future reference)